Monthly Archives: March 2006

Yea verily, the truth shall make you flee

In those days Christian Peacemaker Teams went down unto the land of Iraq and made rude noises against George Bush. For hark, they said, is it not the voice of the Lord saying go ye and protest against those who have overthrown the bloody warmongering tyrant Saddam Hussein, which for a reason that passeth all explanation was not good?

Yea, they said, it must be that the Lord wishes us to do so, for this instruction seemeth to emanate from our own navels and whence else has ever come to us the Word of God? And many liberals who had long said religion has no place in politics were sore amazed and gave thanks and said this kind of religion in politics is our kind of religion in politics and verily hath much to recommend it. And whited sepulchres were not mentioned.

Then the Swords of Righteousness Brigade looked upon the mission of the CPT and became even more confused than was their habit, and when a man saith that, he saith much. These are Crusaders, declared the Pompous Nomenclature Brigades, gnashing their swords, and must be spies for they are Christian infidel dogs. And thus filled with the spirit of tolerance they seized the CPT members and threatened to kill them by beheading them on camera from the neck up, or down depending how you look at it, for the gore was their shepherd. And the CPT responded by making rude noises against George Bush. And one hostage was slain and it was somehow the fault of George Bush. Continue reading

Ashley MacIsaac fiddles while the Liberal party spurns

Apparently Ashley MacIsaac plans to seek the Liberal leadership. Well fiddle dee dee.

Mr. MacIsaac, for those of you who live somewhere nice, is the world-class fiddler who once told an interviewer he and his partner … no, I can’t say it. Why is so much of the news unfit to describe in a family paper these days? He also gave this concert where he … no, I can’t describe that either. Whereas on another occasion his kilt … nope, even worse. He later said he was joking about one and another was an accident whereas …

Look, I don’t know if it’s all a marketing ploy or if he really is a barbarian without the vigour. The point is, he’s less likely to be the next Liberal leader than I am. That party does much that offends me but not of this sort. So why the coverage? Continue reading

Almost everybody could’ve greased the Canadian Tire Guy

As soon as I got to work the captain called me into his office. A missing person case. The Canadian Tire Guy. My partner was already there. Eddie Torrial. I’m a hack. My name’s Friday. Not the man who was Friday. The man who writes Friday.

Captain fishes out a mug shot of the missing guy and he looks vaguely familiar, like a hundred guys you’ve met but can’t place. Sorta nice-looking in a harmless but simpering way, no particular age, not tall, not short, bland but irritating, plaid shirt, salt-and-pepper beard, weak chin, kinda guy you wouldn’t notice was missing and when you did notice you wouldn’t care. But it’s my job to find him anyway… or what’s left of him.

This mug who does the TV beat for the Globe, he fingers the frau. Says she put up with a lot, always had this forced smile, figures she snapped. “Many Canadians expected to wake up one day and read that the Canadian Tire Guy had been found dead,” he types, “the victim of a severe beating with windshield-wiper blades. His wife was being questioned.” But it ain’t that simple. Continue reading

Oh say can you sea, or, does that motto still wave?

The Citizen series on how the Arctic is still quite cold says Canada needs a new motto. Satirists of the world unite. After all, we are funny in both senses. But given our equally famous passion for the bronze, let me try to come up with something worse.

Like “Canada: It’s Not So Bad.” Bashful, yet smug. (That’s good too.) Or “Nice Unlike Those Awful Americans.” Looking outward, “The Duty to Protect… Except in Darfur.” Or “We Won’t Fund Hamas… Except with Money.” Or “Afghanistan Is Dangerous?” Or “Just Enough Backbone to Posture.” Or “Vichy, Vimy, Invade Norway” which as a bonus is easy to chant.

Looking inward, what about “Canada: Not Just the Flag is in Liberal colours” as ethics counsellors snooze through the Chretien/Martin era then wake up shocked — shocked — at an MP crossing the floor to a Tory cabinet? Or, as Canadian politics was founded by Sir John A. Besoin, “A Gaglianonis ad mysterium” has that certain je ne veux pas. Continue reading

Big Brother meets even bigger citizen

Tuesday’s Citizen says Big Nutritionist will soon put out a revised Canada Food Guide. Pardon me while I grocery shop without waiting for it. By what tortured logic did we reach the point that we expect our government to have an opinion on what we eat? Let alone a sensible one?

Especially since they now admit the old food pyramid made us look like pyramids. Something about those 12 servings of grain a day. Say, waiter, I’ll have an entire wheat field. Oh, and don’t forget five to 10 fruits and veggies. How many carrot sandwiches can a man swallow? And how many insults?

For after hyping five to 12 grains, five to 10 fruits and veggies, two to four milk products and two to three “meat and alternatives,” the old guide went on: “Taste and enjoyment can also come from other foods and beverages that are not part of the four food groups.” Such as what? Chocolate? I think it’s a vegetable but if not surely it’s a fruit. Beer? Definitely a grain. Trans-fats artificially dyed purple? What are you even talking about, in that patronizing tone, like I wouldn’t notice something was tasty and enjoyable (both at once!!!) unless some bureaucrat kindly mentioned it? Here I was chugging all this mocha and never even knew why. Is this “taste and enjoyment” I’m tasting and enjoying? No wonder I’m eating and liking it. Gosh. What next? Continue reading